Dreams, what are they and do we actually fulfill them? Webster’s defines it as “a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.” Our current culture tells us to invest in them, fulfill them at all costs, and don’t let anyone destroy them – all wonderful messages that can often lead to a lonely one-man dream journey. Often the epitome of success and fulfillment comes when we help other’s achieve their dreams.
I’m writing this with major fails under my belt. Mainly with my main man, my lover, my boo thang, known to you as my husband. As His wife, the first order of business is to support him and I have fumbled through it to truly learn what He needs from me. It’s never demanded or even expected, but it’s given because I love him. If we’re in this for the long haul, then learning now to invest in who he is and what he desires, loves, cares about, will reap dividends here on earth, in our legacy as well as echoed in eternity. Here’s 4 ways I am learning how to support my husband’s dreams and desires.
1. Ask and listen.
“Honey, let’s get a babysitter, schedule a romantic dinner out and am going to tell you every desire and dream I have in life down to the minute detail and tell you what you should and should never do to help achieve them.”
This will NEVER ever be a statement you will hear from your husband. He probably won’t articulate his dream or share with you ways to support him or even how certain actions hurt him; you will brought in on journey of discovery, joy, and pain. That in itself is a privilege your husband has given to you alone that is never to be taken for granted. To truly discover what he dreams or desires takes you asking questions, often over and over again, and at times learning to ask the RIGHT questions. You can not stop there, as this is only the first step to an awesome discovery, for you must listen and listen well. Let him vent, cry if needed, share frustrations (as dreams are often discovered in areas which we are most burdened with), describe joy and excitement. Take it all in, write it down, and begin to ask and listen more. Within the moments that your ears are bigger than your mouth, you will unfold your husband’s dreams. They won’t sound logical, obtainable, or even lucrative, but they will be HIS and apart of who God created him to be – respect that.
2. Schedule Support.
Mere cheerleading phrases alone will never cultivate his dreams and desires. They must become tangible and realistic. Someone once said that “goals are dreams with deadlines” and that means they have to become small parts of your life. If he’s always wanted to become a golfing pro, schedule bi-weekly lessons as a birthday or Christmas surprise. If he’s wanted to run a marathon, wake up early together and start the running together. If it’s writing a book, schedule time where you take the kids and leave him home in a quiet house to write. He will probably never ask these things from you as most dreams stay within our hearts or in our words, but never get layers deep in our life. This takes time and intentionality.
3. Let Him Fail.
Let him fail, PERIOD! Let him change his mind, crash and burn, decide differently, take another route, stop, start again and again and again. Dreams are messy and if you ASKED for anything along your journey it’s people to support you in messy moments, so assume that is what he will need from you. If you are logical, methodical, organized, productive, result-driven and focused, chances are your husband’s journey won’t be. This is the part where you breath, allow him to process, support him, and then begin again. Don’t forget that his failure or messiness has NOTHING to do with you. It’s never personal but it needs to stay private, so protect his struggle with your encouragement, unwavering support and incredible belief. With you in his corner, he’s a guaranteed success!
4. He’s a man, FIRST!
One of the reasons I fell in love with Jason is because I knew that no matter what career or job he was in, he would work HARD and love his family. We’ve had seasons and those two things have always remained constant. I didn’t marry him for his work or money (cause we didn’t have any), or his achievements, I married him because he was the right man for me. When I’ve made a mess of things in our marriage, it was because I expected him to be more of man and took for granted that he was enough of the man that God had created and all that I needed. Women, don’t marry a man because of his gifting, talent, or even his current role; marry him because he is the right MAN for you. His gifting could be jeopardized by character, He could quit his talent during a season of depression, or get fired from his role. Those things will come and go, but what will remain is the resemblance of the shell of a man you married containing the substance of everything God created. With every new season of life, his dreams will adjust, but the man will remain. Support him as a man FIRST, then embrace and adjust to the many seasons you will walk through together.
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” That memorable classic serenades you in stores, shopping malls, and on the radio as the details of your to-do list pile up in your head. If you’re a mom, the tantalizing thoughts of parties, delicious food, and family tradition can easily be overshadowed by what it takes to obtain those “Instagram” worthy moments. In the motherhood hustle, it’s all too easy to forget to stop, breath, and be present. If you haven’t given yourself permission yet, consider this blog your first form of encouragement to “lower the bar” on experiencing the holiday season with your loved ones. Say no to the next kids’ holiday party (you’ve attended 25 already), hit “decline” on that Ugly Sweater Facebook invite your cousin throws (it has terrible food anyway), and throw off the constraints of “have-to” demands in favor of the “get-to” moments you can savor with your family during Christmas. Most of the best ones are usually free too!
Now look, if you are wanting perfection this holiday season then keep looking for some other airbrushed and poised mom and her kids, because this girl ain’t that! I’m real, honest, and on a mission to live my best life now; even embracing the terrible (my word of the year!) moments along the way. If you are like me (I’m not so secretly hoping you are… flawlessly popping another M&M in our mouths while we compare ourselves to strangers on the internet) then this season is about memories and experiences that will create fond memories of our family for years. Instead of chaos, opt for creativity; instead of maxing out credit cards, aim for simplicity and engagement. You might just find that it is TRULY the most wonderful time of the year! Below are my Five Ways to Celebrate The Holidays for Free (or almost free)!
Create a simple calendar system for the 12 days leading up to Christmas. Let the kids know you will be reading a holiday book of their choice each night together prior to bed (or when it works best for the family). Visit your local library and have each child pick out the books that are geared towards the Christmas season. On your return home, place each child’s name and book in the schedule day. Once you have your pre-determined time each day, let each child know it’s his/her day to pick their books and favorite spot to read. Make sure that the family knows this is done together each day so there’s no options or excuses not to sit and enjoy the book of choice.
This might not be free, but it is still cost effective and super engaging. It can be a good choice for a large family or even a friends/family outing. Set aside at least a three hour window of time on a predetermined a day. Select a driving route that takes you to at least three places that sell hot chocolate. Create a “Hot Chocolate” evaluation form where the name, location, and type of hot chocolate can we written down. Include a list of numbers to rate taste, creaminess, whip cream, etc. At each stop, ask for the small or kids size hot chocolate and then remind everyone to sip slowly (almost like wine, but that would be encouraging drinking and that’s not what this blog is about) and then talk about and write down how much they like/dislike it and why. Proceed on to the next location instructing everyone to do the same thing for each stop. At the last location, ask them to either choose their top pick for hot chocolate or decide together on a team “winner!”
(All pictures courtesy of The Copper Lens & Co.)